Why Homophobia Is Common In African Homes

It is easy to believe that something is wrong with you as an African queer person, particularly if you grew up in a home where love was depended on conditions such as silence, fear, or shame. However, the truth is that what you experienced was not truth; it was control that was passed down as tradition. This week, I would like to emphasize a simple yet significant truth: you are not the problem.

It's possible to live a life that is very different from the one you were taught, look into the things that have hurt you, and tried to give you a reason for not wanting to be alive.

Be kind to yourself and take it slow this week. You don't have to have everything worked out to deserve peace. Because you've already had to do a lot to stay alive, it's okay to ask for kindness, safety, and honesty.

You're not alone, and you're doing better than you realize.

Many queer Africans learn to be scared at home, not out in public. It's the jokes their parents laugh at, the insults their uncles repeat, the sermons their mothers quote, and the silence that comes after the word “gay.”

African children who are gay or lesbian are told by their parents who they can't be before they even know who they are.

Hatred of gay people doesn't just appear out of nowhere; it's something that many people do every day and has been passed down since colonization for generations.

Religion is a big reason why people in Africa are homophobic.

Children are taught that being gay is a sin and that God hates gay people. They are also told that being gay is not how God made you and is a shame.

Instead of being a source of compassion or self-reflection, religion is turned into a means of control.

Even worse, plenty of parents put what the Bible says before what's best for their child, and they never question who taught them that.

The public's perception of marriage, children, legacy, and lineage is of great interest to African households.

People don't ask, Is my child okay? When their child is gay or lesbian. Instead, they ask, “What will people say?”

Shame is valued more than safety, reputation over people, and tradition over truth, which makes homophobia stronger.

Fear, Control, Silence, Insults, and Threats are ways that many African parents rule because they were never taught how to deal with their emotions.

Queer children are easier to target; instead of curiosity, they receive correction; instead of care, they receive punishment; instead of listening, they receive shouting.

When being honest about how you feel is considered rebellious, homophobia stays alive.

Parents replicate the things that were done to them; trauma becomes culture, violence becomes discipline, and suffering becomes parenting.

And when queer children mature with these scars, society reverts to blaming them for being too sensitive, too broken, or too different.

Because accountability is avoided, homophobia flourishes.

The costs are high and last a lifetime. They include trauma, anxiety, and depression, over-dependence, fear of intimacy, self-doubt, internalized homophobia, and distance from family. 

Abuse doesn't make queer Africans strong; they get strong despite it.

Families in Africa will not stop being homophobic until parents choose to be more curious over controlling. Religion should be questioned, not blindly enforced. Shame culture should be broken down. Emotional intelligence should be valued. Children should be considered people, not extensions of ego.

Just because you're African doesn't mean you're mean. Culture isn't a reason to hurt people.

It's not a mistake that you're gay or that your life doesn't follow tradition. Sometimes staying alive means keeping your distance. Sometimes healing means leaving. In most, cases, peace means deciding to be yourself. That's not betrayal; that's growth.

Conforming doesn't mean it's healthy. Ask yourself, “What beliefs did I inherit that don't belong in my life any more?”

I am not the shame that my family projected upon me, nor am I the fear that they refused to confront. I am deserving of a life lived honestly, with safety and compassion.

Let the anger, grief, recognition, or relief that this piece made you feel stays where it is without feeling guilty. What you've been through wasn't made up, exaggerated, or fair. Homophobia in African homes didn't happen because you were bad; it happened because people were afraid and never asked why.

You are entitled to leave a home that causes you pain, to alter your beliefs regarding love, family, faith, and success, and to prioritize peace over being close to your family and home.

You can't act like what happened didn't happen and heal. Not only that, but you have to decide that what happened won't be the end of your story. You are still here, and that's what matters.

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The point of this conversation is not to make fun of African families, but to be honest so that we can improve the future.

We can cherish our cultures and demand more from them. There is a way to honour our heritage without allowing it to oppress us.

Since we have queer ancestors and being queer has always been African, there is no conflict between being queer and African.

Be yourself without apology.

Charles