The Gay African Man Who Is Repressed

African men who are gay have to live a secret life, deal with shame, and fight their whole lives to be able to breathe freely in cultures that want them to disappear. That's what I'm talking about this week.

For the boys who learned to hide, the men who are still hiding, the people who got away but still feel guilty. Everyone who grew up gay in a world that tried to break them before they even knew who they were.

Please remember this: there is nothing wrong with you. The truth that you have been afraid to confront is not a mistake; it is simply who you are.

It's been challenging to hide, and I know that repression has felt like survival. You don’t have to hate gay men who live openly. Their freedom isn't an attack on you. It serves as a reminder of what is possible.

I'm saying that we see you.
You are not alone, you are not broken, and you are not invisible.

You have to find peace with yourself eventually, not for the sake of the world or your family, but for your happiness and sanity.

Moreover, you deserve peace. And you have to start by facing the truth you've been avoiding.

Repressed African men are present in various settings, including churches, marriages, offices, WhatsApp family groups, and diaspora communities.
To repress someone is not to discipline them; to suffocate them is what it is. Being quiet becomes a personality; it's a way to stay alive; it's a mask you didn't ask for.

As an African child, you are told to be tough, strong, obedient, loyal, honest, and never weak, emotionally or otherwise.

When masculinity is dressed up as culture, it turns into a cage.
It doesn't leave room for queer truth; it only allows performance.

Many gay African men live in fragments: the version they wish they could be, the version society forces them to be, the version their family sees, and the version they hide.

This way of life isn't survival; it's a slow death on a mental, emotional, and spiritual level.

These three institutions prioritize shame over identity: the church teaches, “Pray it away,” the family teaches, “Don't embarrass us,” and society teaches, “Stay hidden.”

The pressure to marry a woman is the trap that no one names. Queer African boys learn guilt before they learn language. This includes forced heterosexual marriages, emotional betrayal, children raised in tension, and men who lose themselves completely.

A marriage based on repression is a prison with uniforms, not a union of love.

While leaving repressive societies can provide freedom, it also carries the weight of guilt, the grief of the survivor, and the responsibility of knowing that others are unable to leave.

Joy and grief are both parts of the liberation process.

When shame isn't dealt with, it always comes out in the form of self-loathing, jealousy, homophobia disguised as “morality,” being extremely religious, and anger with no target.

Because they are afraid of looking at themselves in the mirror, many queer men who are repressed become the loudest homophobes.

There is no straight line to healing. Instead, it's a process of reclaiming oneself that includes community, queer friendships, therapy (if available), honest conversations, leaving violent environments, and learning how to handle emotions again.

Unlearning everything you were taught about yourself is part of healing.

When queer African men are publicly visible, a transformation occurs. Shame is diminished, silence is broken, and possibility is expanded. It creates a new lineage.

Visibility isn't about looking good; it's about saving lives.

You deserve safety, you deserve tenderness, you deserve true love, and you deserve a complete, truthful life.
A name that fits who you are, should be given to you.

The enemy is not your queerness, but repression.

The truth is what keeps you alive, even if you hide.
Your story still has truth to it, whether you are out, questioning, hiding, or somewhere in between. Let yourself grow into the version of yourself that is more about freedom than survival.

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Thanks for reading this week.
Sharing this won't just make you feel better; it will help someone who is drowning in silence and needs to know they are not alone.

Until next week,
Keep yourself safe, hydrated, and don't feel bad about being yourself.

Charles.