Not Every Family Bond Is Safe
Growing up Igbo and gay, I was taught that family is everything. But as a man, I’ve learned that “everything” can sometimes mean duty without understanding.
I now understand that blood ties don't always mean safety, and that love and distance can coexist. It's possible to wish your family well and keep your peace at the same time. Shared peace, not shared blood, is the true test of belonging.
You’ll Lose Some People, But You’ll Gain Yourself
I lost a few relationships after I came out.
However, the freedom, self-respect, and peace of mind I experienced were greater than the loss of acceptance. It was more difficult to pretend than to be rejected.
I was losing parts of myself with every lie I told to make people feel better. When I stopped explaining myself and just started existing, I found myself again.
Our Culture Is Not A Weapon; It Is Also Ours
Being Igbo and being gay are not mutually exclusive. Homophobia is a legacy of colonization, not a tradition. Our ancestors did not regard difference as a source of fear; rather, they acknowledged the spirit of the individual. They allowed for gender fluidity, diverse roles, and love that did not conform to predetermined categories. We learned to erase that from colonial religion. Because I'm gay, I'm not betraying my culture; instead, I'm remembering it more accurately.
Accepting Yourself Is The Hardest And Most Important Thing To Do
I needed to stop hiding from myself before anyone else could see me. I had to unlearn shame that wasn't mine. Not only that, but I started to heal when I stopped waiting for permission to be human. You can't get better if you're still sorry for breathing.
Freedom Comes From Being Emotionally And Financially Independent
Everything changed for me when I became emotionally and financially independent.
My survival no longer depended on approval.
Even though money can't fix everything, relying on people who don't love you can take away your pride and respect. You're free when you can leave without being afraid.
Chosen Family Is Real Family
The kindest people who have ever loved me are not related to me by blood.
They are people who stayed when others left.
They are friends who have evolved into family, and a community that has become a home. Family isn't just people you share DNA with; it is also people who let you into their peace.
Visibility Is Powerful And Political
I break centuries of silence every time I show up as myself. Every photo, video, and post is proof that we exist, love, and thrive. Being visible is resistance, and being authentic is survival. I'm not brave; I'm just sick of hiding and done shrinking.
Freedom Is Not A Moment, It Is Maintenance
The story doesn't end when you come out; it begins when you do.
Some days are still difficult, but they are mine. I will no longer shrink or pretend. I've chosen freedom, and every day I will fight for it.
Self-Acceptance Takes A Lifetime
Accepting yourself is a continuous process, regardless of how self-assured or out you are. You return to it repeatedly, particularly when old wounds resurface. The world will constantly try to break your peace, but each time you pick yourself back up, you get stronger. Accepting yourself is a process that lasts a lifetime.
You Can Live Your Life Without Permission
You don’t need the approval of your parents, your pastor, or your culture to be alive. Furthermore, you don't need anyone's permission to love, dream, or be free. If you wait for permission, you stay small, and you weren't made to live small. You don't have to explain why you're living the life that makes you happy.
Final Thoughts
Being a gay Igbo man taught me that spiritual, cultural, and emotional freedom are all linked. It’s about reclaiming your story and living without apology.In addition to creating peace, I'm leaving a legacy; I'm not searching for tolerance. I'm building my life in a way that is all mine.
You don’t need their permission to exist. You just require your own.
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