This Week's Truth
Some of the loudest, most aggressive, and Bible-quoting homophobic men in Africa are not straight. They're men who want other men, sleep with other men, and then attack gay people in public to keep up their image.
It's not just about keeping things secret; down-low culture is also about shame, fear, and violence.
Homophobia is not always about values or morality; it is simply self-hatred that is masquerading as a religious belief.
Shame, Religion, And Masculinity
It is taught to most African men that they should be strong, not weak, follow tradition, not “embarrass” their families, and not be considered “less of a man.”
Being queer and growing up in that kind of setting makes it feel like a crime to be alive.
Religion is then added to the mix: “You are an abomination,” “Pray it away,” and “You can be delivered.” You may as well attempt to alter the colour of your eyes through prayer.
What do plenty of men do? They hide their truth and act straight in public.
Anybody who lives openly is then punished because it reveals the aspects of themselves that they are avoiding.
They are afraid because they were taught to be afraid, so they punish us for being free.
Down-Low Men Weaponize Queerness
Men who are trapped in DL culture are not the only ones who suffer from it. It has a negative impact on everyone around them.
What it usually looks like: They hide behind girlfriends or wives; they sleep with men behind closed doors and then join homophobic conversations in public; they make fun of gay men to appear normal; they freak out and get violent when their behaviour is called into question; they use women as shields and gay men as sexual or emotional outlets.
Some of these men don't really hate gay people; they just don't like that we live the life they're too afraid to live.
Self-loathing, repression, and envy all add up to cruelty.
The Collateral Damage
Everyone loses in this system. Women get stuck in relationships and marriages based on lies and emotional abandonment. Queer men are abused, ignored, or put in danger. Safe spaces for queer people become tainted with secrecy, manipulation, and emotional chaos. DL men live in constant fear of being found out and are never truly at peace.
Violence Can Quickly Escalate From Repression
Men on DL who are openly homophobic are often the most dangerous.
They are men who join or organize attacks on gay people, pastors who are holy by day and lead double lives at night, politicians who advocate anti-gay legislation while using gay men in private, and men who attack or expose other gay people to show the world that they are “not like that.”
People who are repressed don't become straight; they become dangerous.
Freedom Terrifies Some DL Men
Not all of these men are bad; many of them are scared.
They fear losing their family, their cultural respect, their financial support, being shunned or attacked, and being thought of as “less of a man.”
But fear is not a justification for violence. Fear is not a justification for emotional abuse. Fear is not a justification for harming queer individuals who are already vulnerable.
African Queer People Can Relate To This Conversation
Why are you talking about this? Let people live their lives the way they choose, some people will say.
It's not fair that we have to pay for DL culture, which makes dating dangerous for gay men, supports blackmail and kito setups, keeps homophobia alive and strong, and gets in the way of healthy, honest relationships. It also hurts mental health and trust in the community.
Silence does not protect us; rather, it protects those who have wronged us. Because we aren't allowed to name it, we can't fix it.
This Is What Healthy Masculinity Looks Like
Think about a masculinity that isn't based on acting and performance.
Healthy masculinity is characterized by emotional honesty, vulnerability without shame, respect for partners, a desire that is not covered in guilt, accountability, and the courage to live in the truth.
When a man is honest, masculinity doesn't fall apart. It falls apart when his whole identity is based on a lie.
A Message To Down-Low African Men
Read this carefully if you can relate: Your desire is not the crime; your queerness is not the problem; your shame is not yours; it was given to you. You deserve healing; you deserve to live in the truth; you deserve a life where you are not always hiding from yourself.
You become the danger if you use violence, blackmail, control, or homophobia to keep your secret or if you hurt queer people to keep up your image. Not only that, but you are no longer just a victim of the system; you are feeding it. Your queerness is not your enemy; your fear is.
Being Safe As Queer People
Stop romanticizing men who can only love you in total secrecy, stop accepting disrespect in the name of “understanding his situation,” and stop allowing fear and sympathy to pull you into chaos. As for the rest of us queer people who are out there, trying to heal, and trying to love, you are entitled to want love that is safe, honest, and satisfying.
We deserve men who aren't afraid to show their love for us in public, without hiding or using us as an emotional outlet while shouting homophobia.
Thought of the Week
Men who want you aren't always safe for you. Wanting someone isn't enough. Secrecy isn't romance. If his love means you have to stay hidden, it's not love; it's survival on his terms.
This Week's Affirmation
I deserve a love that doesn't hide me, hurt me, or use me as a cover.
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Signing Off With Love
There's nothing crazy about wanting better. It's not too much to ask for honesty, safety, and respect. You're just done letting shame decide the kind of love you accept.
Thanks for reading this, feeling it, and thinking about it with me. Take care of your heart and keep the peace.
Please remember that you can leave any situation that makes you want to disappear.
Until next time, stay moisturized, hydrated, and unbothered.
Charles.